if i wasn't a transvestite terrorist...

Today has been a weird day.

2008-07-03T02:02:54Z

My internet connection is VERY VERY slow today. I was uploading a movie (Bonnie and Clyde, because every Supernatural fan needs to see it since Dean is Clyde and Sam is Bonnie and they are IN LOVE) and I came back to check on it seven hours later and it had uploaded TWENTY ONE PERCENT. Wtf.

Photoshop is being screwy on me. Which makes me VERY VERY upset because hello, icon whore here.

I will be away at a conference starting this Thursday. My family and a bunch of my friends will be staying at the Sheraton and I will definitely be taking advantage of everything I can take advantage of since I'm not paying, woooo. I won't be able to check the f-list until Sunday evening. WOE. So like, link me if anything interesting happens in fandom. And by interesting I mean SEASON FOUR SPOILERS. I NEED THEM ALL.

<333 ILU BYE.

[edit] You guys are awesome for all the great song recs in my last post. I'm still going through them all. ♥

schmoop

2008-07-02T15:15:04Z

I've been listening to this song for a while now. YAY SCHMOOPY LOVE SONGS.

Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

Do any of you guys have any other schmoopy love songs like this to recommend? You know, like the kind of stuff Delilah plays on the radio at night when you call in and dedicate a song to your loved one? I totally want to write a fic where Sam and Dean are driving late and listening to Delilah (Sam's choice) and Sam calls in and tells everyone how much he loves his DEAN.

it's not THAT incesty...

2008-06-30T16:00:11Z

Omg I ship it so hard. This Chuck/Blair nonsense needs to stop. Please. Step-sibling ships FTW. Oh man, Supernatural really has ruined me.

Also, are all the guys on Gossip Girl short or is Blake Lively just tall?

I'm going to get my hair trimmed now. Please pray that no one messes up my bangs. D:

[edit]. YA'LL. Twizzle-me.com is open! It's a fansite dedicated to Jensen and Jared (not in the slashy way), and HOLY CRAP ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? Enjoy the boys! \o/

fic rec

2008-06-27T18:38:56Z

If you only ever read one Jared/Jensen fic in your entire life, make it this one. OMG. I was pretty disappointed when I heard that most of my favorite authors were writing Jared/Jensen instead of Sam/Dean for Big Bang, but NOT ANYMORE. The Sam/Dean ones I've read were good, but they sort of fizzled away and left me unsatisfied at the end, but the Jared/Jensen ones are turning out to be REALLY GOOD.

So. THIS.

Do I Seem Bulletproof to You? by fleshflutter
When he can't find any acting work, Jared takes a job as driver and bodyguard to Jensen, who is an extremely expensive prostitute with a bad habit of attracting crazy people. Jared/Jensen; nc-17; 96,000 words.

It was worth the four hours it took me to read it. FOR SERIOUS. I don't stay up at weird hours in the night to read fanfiction, but I did for this one because I seriously couldn't stop. SO GOOD, YA'LL.

layout issues

2008-06-26T22:56:27Z

Ugh, YOU GUYS! I'm having layout problems. Help meeee! Rec me your favorite layouts or layout makers. Except minty_peach or premade_ljs, because while their layouts are awesome, I've looked at every single one about fifty times.

I can't function without a sidebar, either! DDDD: Life is so hard, sigh.

[edit] Okay, it's fixed now. All it really needed was some JARED.

Spoilers

2008-06-25T14:22:57Z

They're introducing some recurring characters that'll stick around for what I'm guessing is the first arc (or longer, IDK OMG).

Castiel -- a dude in his 30s or 40s, charismatic, calm and very good at getting people's attention -- will also be introduced in the premiere and will probably stick around for some time."

OH MY GOD, I have been LONGING for some male non-Sam/Dean/Bobby recurring characters for so long. Ever since Henriksen died. I'm even more excited for Castiel than I was for Ruby (and I was REALLY excited for Ruby). I'm sorry, but I LIKE MENS. A LOT.

So in the premiere Castiel SAYS he's a demon. And kynikey did some research on him and came up with some interesting results, and I quote/paraphrase:

"Castiel, in fact, is an angel. However, he does not show up in the bible, but is an angel in occult lore, whose nature it is "to procure the love of woman; to cause men to be merry and joyful; to pacify strife and contentions; to appease enemies; to heal the diseased, and to disease the whole; and procureth losses, or taketh them away”

- which kinda fits into the whole “getting Dean out of hell” spiel if you ask me."

*ASPLODES*

Obviously this doesn't mean that he's ACTUALLY an angel. Kripke could decide to do something totally different, but still. IT'S GOING TO BE SO AWESOME AND IT WILL OWN SEASON THREE SO SO SO HARD.

SEASON FOUR WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU??

they're like a thong

2008-06-22T00:33:52Z

Do any of you guys have celebrities that you really don't know anything about but you just don't LIKE?

TELL ME I'M INTERESTED.

And this is here just in case you haven't heard about Jared's underwear issues. So cute.

Oh, Zace

2008-06-20T01:30:09Z

Two hours ago I just kinda flipped on the TV for a second and ended up watching High School Musical (this was only the third time in my life... don't judge!). That movie gives me such fuzzy feelings. It makes me LIKE Zac Efron, okay. Leave me alone.

I still haven't seen the second one (except for Bet on It, Zac's gay/emo dance where he runs around on the golf course (awkwardly) and sings to his reflection). I LOVE WATCHING THAT VIDEO. It always make me laugh. He's so silly, but so cute!

Music post: Gavin Mikhail - Like Normal People Do

2008-06-19T20:28:27Z

I HAVE posted this CD before, but it was a while ago and I have a bunch of new people here that I'd like to share it with. IT'S MY FAVORITE CD EVER. It's so pretty and omg piano and his pretty pretty VOICE and just YAY. Also, there are a number of SamnDean songs. :D All roads do lead to Supernatural, you know.

"With a style defined by intricate piano lines, driving rhythms, and soaring melodies, Like Normal People Do delivers a sound that is as unique as it is accessible, redefining the genre of piano-driven-pop-rock." -CD Baby

Track List
1. Brave
2. Catch Your Fall
3. More
4. Back For Me
5. Go On
6. God in This Moment
7. Sight Unseen
8. Days Gone By
9. Stay
10. One of These Days

Download at MediaFire [53.11 MB].

I am hopeless.

2008-06-17T20:46:32Z

SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP EATING JUNK FOOD THAT IS AWESOME DURING CONSUMPTION BUT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE DYING AFTERWARDSSSSSS.

Katie Cassidy community!

2008-06-17T02:45:37Z

Hello, guess what I spent my day doing!

kcassidyfans kcassidyfans kcassidyfans
kcassidyfans kcassidyfans kcassidyfans

IT IS ALIVE. And it won't ever be deleted! \o/

I have class tomorrow morning omg. D:

Jensen Ackles is not the only one with a hard life.

2008-06-16T18:31:47Z

I WANT TO START A KATIE CASSIDY COMMUNITY. There have been TWO already, but they've both been DELETED a few weeks later and I am sick of that shit! :O I want to use the name katiecassidyfan (since everything else is taken), and I set up to receive a notification when the name is purged, and IT HAS BEEN PURGED LIKE, TWO WEEKS AGO yet every time I try to make the community it tells me the name is already in use. IT'S NOT IN USE. WHY IS THIS SO HARD? *sadface*

I figured I should ask my all-knowing f-list before I email LJ. Maybe it'll spare me some embarrassment. /o\

[edit] I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. kcassidyfans WILL LIVE SOON.

taking the internets too seriously

2008-06-14T22:21:11Z

UGH I hate the terms Jensengirl/Jaredgirl/Samgirl/Deangirl.

NO ONE CARES WHO YOU LIKE MORE! It's fine to like one more than the other, but you don't have to go TOUTING it wherever you go. You're watching Supernatural, so (I hope) it's safe to assume that you're okay with BOTH of them. Or else I don't see how you would be able to stand the show.

ANYWAY. I am so excited about twizzle-me.com. FINALLY A PLACE WHERE I CAN CELEBRATE BOTH BOYS. Also, you probably can't tell by looking, but it's NOT a slash site, haha.

I think I'm seriously losing my mind due to lack of Supernatural. *hands*

Is it annoying when people turn off comments? I was going to on this entry because I don't want people to come and start accusing me of hating Jensengirls/Jaredgirls/Samgirls/Deangirls, because I totally don't. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR SERIOUS. I don't know, it's just annoying when I see comments like, "I'm a Jensengirl/Jaredgirl, but Jensen/Jared looks great there!" JUST SAY THE GUY LOOKS GREAT. NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR JENSENGIRL/JAREDGIRL BADGE OF HONOR IF YOU MAKE A POSITIVE COMMENT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE.

[edit] Um, wow, I really am losing it. Let's all focus on something nice! Like how ADORABLE Dean's afterglow is in this icon.

not so smooth transitions

2008-06-12T23:10:00Z

I really can't stop staring at this icon. Just. Sam is so pretty. And his eyes are shiny. I'm in Supernatural withdrawal so bad.

My creative writing class is like, OMG. Wtf. I actually did better than I thought I would on the first assignment. We had to combine a "first" and a "last" in our lives into one scene. And I NEVER read stuff that's written in the second person, because, ew, but then I wrote mine in the second person. Haha.

Our second assignment is to write a scene where one of the characters is keeping a secret from the other, but the secret is never revealed. We're supposed to convey tension. I HAVE NO IDEA. All I can think of is that my character is in the closet and he's having problems with his girlfriend because he's gay and wants to bang her big brother. But she doesn't know. And my character is a douchebag for dating her.

I hate when I start thinking about WORDS. I just googled douchebag and read about five douchebag behaviors explained by science.

Does it make you uncomfortable to have a person on your friends list who ONLY blogs about fandomy things? I know some people are uncomfortable knowing that they reveal things about their own personal lives, but they never really know anything about the person who only posts about how Sam and Dean are doing it. Thoughts?

BE MEAN TO ME, PLEASE.

2008-06-12T00:55:07Z

Icon truth meme!

I would really, really like it if you were BRUTALLY honest. And BE ANONYMOUS!!! Also, is there a community where you can receive constructive criticism for icons? Because that would be AWESOME. And then I wouldn't have to resort to anonymous memes.

'Cause, you know. Icons are srs bzns.

Joanna Krupa picspam!

2008-06-09T17:37:07Z

I'm not crazy. I JUST REALLY LIKE HER, OKAY? She's gorgeous! *_* This is not really safe for work. She's naked in some of these, but it's not like, graphic or anything.

1.
She reminds me of Keri Russell here. I think it's the hair.

2.

3.
LEGS.

4.
This is not a good look for her. :(

5.

6.
SO PRETTY.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.
I love this dress to tiny itty bitty pieces. ♥

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.
asdjfkhakjfhdlkj BODY.

20.

21.

22.
PETA ad.

23.
And another.

24.
Cuuute.

25.

26.

Now for some Jensen/Joanna goodness.

27.
KISS!

28.
That is Jensen's "I'm getting kissed by a girl with pretty boobies" face.

29.

30.
Can I just say that I hate Jensen's hair this short? Because I do. :(

31.
She's so prettyyyy.

32.
Aww.

33.

34.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT PICTURE.

35.

36.

37.
CUTEST PICTURE EVER.

38.

39.
Big thanks to _hopefulness_ for this picture. ♥

Five more solo pictures!

40.

41.
ASKJDHAKJSDHKAJSGKAJD.

42.

43.

44.

45.

Note: Joanna actually isn't a Playboy Bunny. A Playboy Bunny is a waitress at the Playboy Club. I think the correct term would be Playboy Playmate. I can't believe I actually googled that. XD

Just spreading the word...

2008-06-08T19:30:09Z

Jared is still more awesome than you. He's not a cheater, he's not banging Danielle Fugabaker, and he hasn't been fooling us all this time.

How sad is it that SANDRA MCCOY actually had to do damage control for Jared? Fandom boggles my mind. And Sandy's a sweetheart.

And in case you were wondering, Jared mentioned the whole breakup thing at the con himself. No one asked. He said they're not together anymore but that they are both okay.

So... WHATEVER. I don't want ever want to talk about this again. I can't wait for September when Jared turns into Sam again so I can continue to perv on his cute little emo ass.

Also, Jensen's family went to see Jared at the convention in Dallas! How precious.

links

2008-06-07T20:03:06Z

No more Jared/Sandy has me gloomy. I'm generally indifferent to Jared and Jensen's significant others (unless they're Joanna Krupa, ~~stfu she's hot~~), but... boo. I hope they find happiness, be it together or apart.

If you're a Sandy fan, check out Snail Mail for Sandy!

If you're a Jared/Jensen fan, join jsquared_rps, a well-maintained community with no surprise threesomes or annoying "where do i find this fic??" posts.

And go vote in Fandom Superlatives. It's so fun. Make sure our boys win something. And vote for Nate Archibald for best hair. HIS MAN-BANGS ARE SO CUTE.

randomosity

2008-06-05T18:42:02Z

My computer just shut itself down like, five times. o__O So I just made backups of all my necessities (which actually came out to be very little - school stuff and photoshop stuff). It seems to be okay now, but I'm just waiting for it to happen again... D:

Also, Ashlee Simpson is hot.

Now that there's no Supernatural I have no idea what to write about since this is a FANDOM journal. *fails* My summer class starts next Tuesday. Creative Writing. I'M SO NERVOUS. I used to love writing, but it doesn't come easy anymore. So now I strongly dislike it. And I don't think anyone will appreciate me turning in gay incest epics. :o

HAHA SAM/UNDERWEAR MOODTHEME. OTP.

I need to stop downloading so much stuffffff.

2008-06-04T18:47:14Z

I'm on an Ashlee Simpson/Jesse McCartney kick right now. Please bear with me while I revel in how AWESOME they've both become.

Murder - Ashlee Simpson
I was alone until I found Johnny
He was a good boy until he got behind me
No, she didn't, yes, she did

Gone - Jesse McCartney
So before you go and blow off everything we had
You better stop and realize that you'll never get me back

(I actually have no idea which album this is from. I don't think it's new. But it's still good.)

Regarding the whole "Jared and Sandy might not be engaged" thing, I'm a little sad because I want them to have all the happiness in the world. JARED HAS MADE MY LIFE COMPLETE. He deserves every good thing ever. So, I just hope fandom will be nice to him at the upcoming convention and like, NOT ask about his personal life. At this point, I'd actually rather people ask about freaking WINCEST than poke and prod at his love life. D:

Music post.

2008-06-03T17:04:44Z

I randomly downloaded a bunch of songs, mostly old ones. I think Queer as Folk put me in the mood. Also, I changed my layout a few days ago. Aren't darker colors supposed to be better for your eyes?

You Look So Fine - Garbage
It's so insane
You've got me tethered and chained
I hear your name
And I'm falling over

Bleeding Love - Jesse McCartney
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face

Forever Young - Temperance
Some are like water
Some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later, they all will be gone

(Brian and Justin danced to this lovely song. ♥)

All We Are - OneRepublic
I tried to paint you a picture
The colors were all wrong
Black and white didn't fit you

A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson
All the girls stepping out for a public affair
All night, let's rock, 'cause the party don't stop
All the cameras come out for a public affair
Who cares, let's rock, 'cause the party don't stop

(Remember when Jessica Simpson was like... relevant? D:)

Endless Summer - Ashlee Simpson
We laughed, we cried
And all the while we felt so alive
It was you and me

When You Look Me in the Eyes - Jonas Brothers
When you look me in the eyes
I catch a glimpse of heaven
I find my paradise
When you look me in the eyes

(I can't believe I never listened to this song before. It's actually really pretty!)

three things

2008-05-30T15:52:44Z

Eek, fandom is acting up again over Kripke's spoilery for season four interview. B'awww, Dean is going to be shafted and ignored the whole season. B'awww, Sam will get no character development again. We know all this because we can predict the happenings of the entire season based on a couple of spoilers. My, oh, my. Cry more, fandom.

I, for one, have not been this excited for SPN since season two ended. \o/ It's going to be awesome.

Anyway, I finished season one of Queer as Folk last night. Someone please tell me Chris Hobbs dies in a fire very, very soon. OMG POOR JUSTIN. POOR JUSTIN'S HEAD. D: D: D: I liked Brian's emo tears, though.

And I just read Naruto 402. It basically just recapped all the wonderful Uchiha brother moments, awww. And now Sasuke is going to destroy Konoha. That wasn't exactly the kind of reunion I had in mind, but... AT LEAST HE'S GOING HOME. XD

dean forester > everyone

2008-05-28T21:55:43Z

ABC Family just aired the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory and Dean go to the dance at Chilton and Dean gets all up in Chad Michael's Murray's face like TOUCH RORY AND I'LL KILL YOU ROAR. So hot. ♥

Anyway, I finally have time to continue watching Queer as Folk. I'm about to start 1.15, YAY. They just finished Emmett's I-want-to-be-straight storyline, which was probably the most awkward thing I have ever seen. Omg I love this show.

Also, I changed my header. I really like it, but at the same time Dean's face is kind of freaking me out. He looks so srs bzns.

I want to write angsty Sam/Dean Stanford!fic. Why is there not more of that around?

layout issues.

2008-05-28T16:13:33Z

I have a layout question! So I was messing with the layout on spn_ruby. I like the way it looks, EXCEPT I noticed that when my screen resolution is 800x600, the banner lines up all nicely with the layout. But then I looked at it on a 1024x768 resolution and the content comes out larger than the banner, like so:

800x600: 1024x768:

I tried to get it to all line up like the 800x600 version, but I messed it up even more. *fails* Are any of you guys good with layouts?! The code is below if someone wants to take a look. The banner is 590px, and I'd like the content to be 590px, too. o_o

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Supernatural fic; Sam/Dean, R

2008-05-25T21:29:57Z

Title: Damaged People
Rating: R
Pairings: Sam/Dean
Word Count: 5,567
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Notes: Kind of evil!Winchesters? But then... not? Hopefully you can decide by the end. This takes place after episode 3.16. Title from the song Damaged People by Depeche Mode.
Summary: To bring Dean back, Sam gives in to everything Dean has tried to protect him from. Now, Dean doesn't know which of them is more messed up.

---

Sam gets Dean out of hell five years later. He snaps his fingers and opens the devil’s gate, then closes his eyes and searches with his mind, taking care to not let anything else escape.

“What the fuck took you so long?” Dean gasps when he’s sprawled out on his knees before his brother. He’s cut and bruised and bloody and tired, but nonetheless he on earth and he hasn’t had a breath of fresh air in forever. “Time passes differently in hell. Feels like fucking centuries.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s all you got to say for yourself? Fuck you,” Dean says, his eyes turning black as he coughs blood into the grass. Sam kneels down and puts a hand on Dean’s forehead, closing his eyes. Dean feels a chill run through him and suddenly his insides don’t feel like fire anymore. Pain slowly recedes from his body until all that’s left is a dull, persistent ache deep in his bones.

“You did it?” Dean rages when he’s standing again. “What the fuck were you thinking? I told you to remember what I fucking taught you, you moron. Did I just waste all my fucking time in hell thinking I was saving your stupid ass?”

“Sorry,” Sam repeats. Dean looks toward the gate in disgust, seeing hundreds of demons trying to break free. They’re being held by an invisible wall and Dean shakes his head to clear it from the constant screaming he’s had to listen to until now. Sam raises his hand and the doors slam shut, metal creaking through the now-quiet air as the lock falls into place.

“So, now what? Your new powers give you demonic tendencies or anything? Or are you just a scrawny version of the Incredible Hulk?” Dean asks after a moment of comfortable silence. Sam gives him a long look, his eyes happy despite the way his face doesn’t change.

“Welcome back, Dean.”

---

They hunt together. Dean finds he gets thrown into walls less and Sam never gets choked anymore. Sam never gets touched anymore, Dean notices one night as they lie in bed tangled up in the sheets. He runs a finger down Sam’s arm and Sam immediately turns sleepy, contented eyes toward him. Dean crushes his mouth in a kiss and Sam hoists Dean on top of him, pulling his head down for sloppy kisses while knocking over their cell phones in search for lube.

Dean finds that he now appreciates someone who can rough him up a little in bed.

He notices a change in himself during an exorcism. The man’s wife is screaming and sobbing and Dean doesn’t really mean to, but the possessed man charges at him and he throws him into the glass coffee table. It shatters under his weight and Sam lifts the man with invisible strings, holding him suspended in the air while he rattles off Latin. Dean feels an uncomfortable twinge, but nothing else happens until the demon is expelled through the man’s mouth with a ghastly scream.

Then the man falls to floor, dead. The wife’s screams remind Dean too much of hell, where no one was ever silent. He feels like maybe there’s something wrong with him, but the thought leaves his mind as quickly as it came.

As they leave, Dean remembers a time when he would have thought of this hunt as a failure. Right now it feels like a victory.

---

Word spreads about them. John’s boys, disregarding everything they’ve learned. The younger one brought his brother back from hell with demonic superpowers, and no one is exactly sure whether the older one isn’t a demon himself. Sam keeps up with the news from Ellen, but after a while even she stops speaking to them. Dean jokes that they might try to organize a way to kill them, and Sam surprises him with his anger.

“You’re never leaving me again,” Sam says, and the windows rattle a little. Sam rarely loses control of his powers. Dean figures if they’re ever attacked by a group of hunters, Sam will probably go on a rampage. He doesn’t really care. They must be idiots if they haven’t noticed that he and Sam are continuing to hunt evil, so what the fuck are they complaining for?

A few days later Bobby comes to see them. He approaches them boldly, but Dean can see the wariness in his eyes.

“You boys doing okay?” Bobby asks, and Dean laughs and shakes his head.

“That’s not why you came here. You came to see the two monsters from hell everyone’s talking about.”

“Dean,” Bobby says softly, and there’s pain on his face. “You boys are family to me. I would never—couldn’t even think of it.”

“We’re hunting,” Sam says amiably. “It’s easier now, you know.”

“You could have told me what you were doing, Sam,” Bobby says after a pause. “You know I would have done anything to help you get your brother back.”

“There was no other way. We tried everything, Bobby. This was my last resort, and look how long even that took me.” Sam gazes at Dean, who’s sitting on the bed. “By the time I got there... well, I was almost too late.” Sam smiles. “But he’s still perfect.”

Bobby shakes his head, like no one can spend time in hell and come out perfect. He exhales softly, looking around the room, and Dean is positive he’s noting the lack of salt lines. Dean starts to get angry.

“What the hell did you come here for, Bobby? You gonna go and tell all the other hunters what we’re up to, help them plan their little Winchester assassination?” He stands up but Sam’s fingers move and Dean finds himself sitting back down hard on the bed. Bobby’s eyes harden.

“You have no idea how I’ve been defending you two. There are hunters out there who want your blood.”

“We know. But they won’t get us.” Sam sounds eerily calm. “Try and tell them it’s best if they don’t come after us. Do you want a drink or anything?”

Bobby leaves after a few more minutes of conversation, and Dean can’t help but be bothered by the fact that he never came within six feet of them. Sam sits down beside him and Dean scowls.

“They’re gonna come after us,” Dean says angrily. “They’re gonna try and kill you.”

“You, too,” Sam reminds him. Dean gets up and paces the room. He feels livid and confused. He doesn’t understand why after all he’s been through he can’t get some goddamn peace. Sometimes when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can’t remember things that he thinks should be important. Sometimes his eyes turn black and Sam holds him or kisses him or talks nonsense to him until he forgets it. Sometimes he looks at Sam and wonders when he became such a calm, collected, killing machine.

He vaguely remembers a time when he felt differently. He remembers little things that used to make him happy, except he can’t pinpoint any specific thing.

“Dean, sit down,” Sam says, and Dean snaps his head toward him. Something is scratching him under the surface, something ugly and angry. He grits his teeth and a tiny part of him knows that it’s wrong to want to kill innocent people, but the larger part is willing to do anything to release the pressure building up inside of him. He remembers how he used to spend all his time helping people who didn’t give a shit about how much he and his brother had given up, and it makes him angry.

“Sam,” he says, but it comes out sounding like a basic, animalistic growl. Sam stands and comes toward him, and Dean doesn’t realize he’s shaking until Sam puts his gentle hands on him. Dean shuts his eyes tightly and suddenly he’s bombarded with images he’s tried to forget, images of people strung up in the darkness, screaming, bleeding, tearing each other apart in a place made of blood and fear, and when his eyes open again they’re inky black and he can barely feel Sam’s touch anymore. Only a tiny thread of him remembers what it’s like to be human.

The thread thins and is on the verge of breaking when Sam slaps him so hard that his lip starts bleeding.

Dean’s anger makes room for indignant shock, but then Sam takes his face in his hands, cupping his fingers around Dean’s skin. Dean digs his own fingers into Sam’s arms and listens as Sam murmurs with his lips against Dean’s cheek; his breathing slowly calms and his eyes slide shut and then when he opens them again, they’re green and uncertain, but most of all, they’re human.

“Sam,” Dean mumbles, his face a little numb from the slap. Sam looks at him for a long moment, then pokes out his tongue and touches the blood trickling from his lip. Dean’s knees go weak and he pulls Sam closer for a real kiss, and when they break apart their mouths are lightly smeared with red. Sam kisses him again, sucking and probing at the cut in his lip until Dean growls and pushes Sam on the bed. He doesn’t remember liking this kind of thing, but the sharp little pain is exquisite, and then Sam flips him over and starts undressing him, and he can’t remember a thing other than the fact that he never wants to leave his brother’s side.

---

Dean isn’t quite sure what happiness is supposed to feel like, but he feels good and Sam is safe and when he wakes up feeling scared and wrong, Sam is there to make him feel whole again. Sam never gets scared of him, not even when Dean feels like maybe Sam should be scared of him. The deep-seated fear that Sam will leave him one day because he’s not stable slowly ebbs away.

Sam sometimes uses his powers too much and Dean will curl himself around him while Sam rests, but mostly Sam gets stronger and stronger and Dean learns to control himself a little more, perfecting the art of pinning someone against the wall, as so many demons had done to his family over the years. Hunters become bolder in their accusations, now quite sure that Dean is a demon. Dean resents them and complains to Sam that he can’t even turn his eyes black on command. Sam says it’s because he got him out before Dean lost his soul completely.

“We’ve all got a little demon inside of us,” Sam says, nuzzling Dean’s face with his nose. “You’re still good, Dean.” Sam continues to tell him how good he is even when more and more accidents take place during their hunts. He doesn’t mean to kill them, it’s just that things are more violent now and he’d never really noticed how fragile people can really be. They still hunt evil, and the dead supernatural beings they leave behind outnumber the trail of human tragedies.

It’s not like Sam is a saint, either. Dean’s watched him break someone’s spine just for pointing a gun at him. He vaguely thinks of a time when he might have been concerned for the both of them, but they’re still saving people (some of them) and hunting things, and Dad wouldn’t have ingrained something that was evil into their minds.

Ruby drops by one day, a knowing look in her eyes. Dean remembers greatly disliking her, but as he looks at her now he feels a thin attachment and doesn’t really know why.

“Finally did it, huh,” she says in her usual, smug tone.

“With no help from you,” Sam says. She purses her lips and studies Dean.

“I see he wasn’t in there quite as long as I was.”

“He’s fine,” Sam says firmly, and Ruby laughs.

“Oh, yeah, he’s fine. A trip down under doesn’t screw with the brain at all. You guys are stirring up quite the commotion. You’re no longer the upstanding sons of John Winchester that all hunters aspire to be, you know.” Ruby clucks her tongue and sidles up to Dean. “How’re you taking your new life?”

Sam throws her into the wall before Dean can even open his mouth. She struggles for a moment, then relaxes, showing off her dimples as she smiles. “Possessive, aren’t you, Sam?”

“Sam,” Dean says, tugging at Sam’s sleeve. “Let’s go.” Ruby is giving him an unsettled feeling, like somehow he’s like her, but he’s not because he’s Dean and he’s pretty sure he’s a good person. He recalls fighting her, trapping her, stealing from her, and he must have done those things because she was bad. Her eyes turn black as she stares Dean down suddenly, unspoken taunts in the soulless, black pits, and Dean clamps his mouth shut, his hands curling into fists.

“Okay,” Sam says, putting a hand at the small of Dean’s back. He makes a complicated gesture with his free hand and Ruby’s head slams back into the wall. “It might take you a few hours but I’m sure you’ll be able to break free.”

Dean can feel her glare itching between his shoulder blades as they leave, and he’s glad to be rid of her. He only wishes that Sam had killed her for good, but he doesn’t say it out loud.

---

Dean can’t believe how fast it happens.

They’ve just finished a routine salt-and-burn and he’s walking next to Sam, ready to load their shovels into the Impala and find a motel to crash in. Dean is opening his mouth to say something when all of a sudden Sam falls to the ground, landing on his knees and then collapsing on his back. Dean stops and stares for a moment, barely registering the men stepping out of the shadows, one of them with a gun still warm from a freshly released bullet.

“Sam?” Dean says, his shovel slipping out of his fingers. It lands on the ground with a harsh clank. “Sam? Sammy?”

Sam’s body is still. Dean blinks and lowers himself to his knees, lifting Sam’s head from the puddle of blood slowly spreading from him. There’s a neat hole in the back of his head. Dean looks at Sam’s slack face and his closed eyes. “Sammy? Come on... wake up.”

“He’s not waking up,” a man says. His face is hard, his gun poised. Dean glances at him, then back down at his brother.

“Sammy? Sam. Sam.” Sam’s not listening right now. Dean’s lap is wet with blood. He feels lost and scared and Sam is the one who always makes him feel better. “Sammy.”

“Dean,” a distinctive female voice says. Dean looks up and sees Ellen with a gun in her hand, but it’s not aimed at anyone in particular. Her face looks drawn with grief. “Dean, I’m sorry. This was... this was the only way.”

“What did you do to Sam?” Dean asks, uncertain. Ellen presses her lips together and doesn’t speak, her eyes glistening in the dim light of the moon.

“He should have never brought you out of hell. He shouldn’t have conspired with demons to bring him power. You’ve both been corrupted. You’re the things that you—that we all hunt,” the man speaks again. Dean flicks his eyes around him. There are maybe twenty hunters gathered in a semicircle.

Dean puts them out of his mind and leans over his brother again, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I need you, Sammy. Sam, please. Sammy.”

“Dean, stop,” Ellen says, her voice shaking and harsh. “Don’t you understand?”

He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why he’s like this, why these people want him dead so badly, why Sam’s body is bleeding all over him. He remembers that he was in hell and suffering so badly that he wished he could kill himself, and then Sam saved him and Dad would have been so proud that they’ve been watching out for each other for so long. He doesn’t understand why these people think Sam did a bad thing. Sam let him live again. Sam saved him and loved him and put his broken pieces back together. Sam is good, better than anyone.

“No,” Dean says softly, brushing Sam’s hair back. “Sam? Sammy?”

He hears a click and then a loud gunshot. Pain explodes through his arm as the bullet rips through him, and Ellen makes muffled crying sounds.

Dean gently puts Sam’s body down and stands. When he takes a step forward another bullet pierces his thigh. The hunters all brace themselves and Dean finds himself staring down the barrels of twenty guns.

But since Sam saved him, he’s been stronger and faster. A better fighter. Sometimes he’ll ask Sam why he feels stronger—less human—and Sam will just smile and say that he must have learned things in hell. Every once in a while he’ll tell Sam that he thinks hell might have changed him, but Sam never wants to hear about that, always saying that he’s still Dean and that the only thing that changes between them is that Sam loves him more and more everyday.

Dean rushes forward and slams the heel of his palm into someone’s face, hearing a crunch as he breaks through the nose, then whirls around and kicks someone hard in the ribs, a satisfied smile twitching at his lips as the man falls. He rips the gun out of Broken Nose’s hand and aims at the closest person he can find. The bullet lodges right between his eyes and he’s dead before he hits the ground. He smashes the gun into the next man’s jaw and shoots someone else in the stomach. All the while there are bullets spraying towards him, and inevitably he’s hit over and over.

He finds a strength he’s never felt before, something sinister urging him on, and he remembers Sam, and how Sam makes this feeling bearable but Sam isn’t listening anymore. He staggers and almost falls, grabbing someone by the lapels of their jacket to steady himself, then throwing that person into another with surprising ferocity. He’s bleeding everywhere. He doesn’t even know how many times he’s been shot, but he wipes the blood from his mouth with a shaking hand and takes a step backward, surveying the remaining hunters. They come to a standstill.

Dean hears someone move behind him and he thinks this is the end. He turns around to throw one last punch, then gasps and stops.

Sam is standing behind him.

“Sammy,” Dean cries, his knees almost buckling beneath him. Sam frowns and winces a little as something falls from his hair, making a soft clinking sound on the concrete. Dean looks down and sees a tiny bullet, then surges forward and thrusts his hands into Sam’s unruly hair, searching for the hole that had bled all over him and finding nothing but a healthy, whole skull.

“I’m okay,” Sam says. “Sorry if I scared you.”

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Dean says vehemently, finally collapsing to the ground. He sits with his legs sprawled like a spider’s, clutching his wounds and trying not to shake. He has bullet holes everywhere, and even though he’s been able to sustain much more injury since he escaped hell, this is a bit much.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Sam says softly, touching his face, and Dean realizes he’s losing control. His eyes are black, his breath ragged. Sam shushes him and Dean’s fear slowly ebbs away as he makes himself understand that Sam is here now and he’s listening again. After a few deep breaths he blinks green eyes, hesitantly looking at Sam. His wounds feel like knives.

“They’re trying to kill you,” Dean whispers, and Sam smiles.

“You, too. I’ll take care of them. You did good, now rest here for a second, okay?”

Dean nods, watching as Sam faces the rest of the hunters still standing. Guns are cocked. Dean doesn’t worry that Sam is weaponless.

Sam raises his hand and suddenly none of them can move. Dean hisses softly and stops trying to pull his clothes away from the holes in his body. Sam flicks his fingers and Dean only halfway pays attention as necks begin snapping and guns and men fall to the ground. Dean is more concerned that his clothes are sodden with blood.

“Sam,” Ellen’s voice gasps, and Dean looks up to see that she’s the only one left standing. “Sam, please.”

“Why did you bring all these people after us?”

“Don’t you understand?” Ellen says desperately. “You shouldn’t have brought Dean back. What you’re doing is wrong. Don’t you remember what John taught you boys?”

“He taught us to take care of each other,” Sam says. “Dean is my brother. I could never have left him there. What if it were Jo?”

“It’s not the same.”

“We still hunt demons,” Sam reminds her. Ellen tries to shake her head, but Sam still has her in his invisible grip.

“You are demons.”

Sam comes close to Dean and kneels by him, running a hand affectionately through his sweat-soaked hair. “I’m not, Ellen. And I got Dean out before he lost his soul completely.”

“Sam,” Ellen sighs helplessly. “He isn’t supposed to be here. And you shouldn’t have given in to those powers. I care about you boys. I never wanted this to happen.”

“Well, it did,” Sam says softly, his hand gently caressing Dean’s skull. Dean’s eyelids flutter, taking short, slow breaths through the pain. Sam looks at Ellen and after a moment her body relaxes as he gives her control again. She stands alone amidst the strewn bodies of the hunters, some of them unconscious, most of them dead.

“Don’t say that we don’t have any compassion left,” Sam says a voice that makes Ellen want to believe him. Dean wonders whether she’ll do something crazy, like try to kill them alone, but she doesn’t say another word. She kneels down beside a body and starts calling for an ambulance.

“Hurts,” Dean says faintly as blood oozes out of his wounds. Sam nods knowingly, rubbing his thumb over Dean’s cheek.

“I’m gonna fix you up,” Sam breathes as he gathers Dean in his arms. He slips an arm beneath Dean’s knees and secures the other firmly around his shoulders, lifting him off the ground. Dean feels tired.

“Like how you got that bullet out of your head?” Dean asks, resting his face on Sam’s shoulder.

“Yeah, like that.” Sam brushes a kiss against Dean’s hair. “Yours will come out just like that. You’ll be fine. I promise.”

“Good. They hurt like a bitch,” Dean complains quietly, his fingers rubbing against Sam’s arm. Sam smiles as he carries his brother to the car.

---

They decide to take a few days off and Sam rents them a vacation house. Dean is better by the next day thanks to Sam, but he’s sulky and withdrawn, clearly upset by what happened. He cheers up a little when he sees the massive swimming pool behind the house.

Dean sits at the edge of the pool with his feet in the water, staring at nothing. Sam had taken all the bullets out and closed up his wounds, kissing him each time he’d flinched. Then he’d pulled Dean into his arms and whispered apologies into his ears.

With a furrowed brow, he kicks the water and watches it splash and glitter in the sunlight. He can’t stop thinking about those men or Ellen. Something’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what. Ruby comes to mind, her bleak, dark eyes, mocking him, saying I know what you are because that’s what I am, too.

Dean turns his face toward the sun and closes his eyes, thinking about hell. The screams, the torture, the pain, the fear. Sam had saved him from that. It had seemed like he’d been suffering for centuries. He remembers watching people newly thrown into the pit; they’d scream and get torn apart by demons. Time would pass and when they were no longer new, they’d be the ones doing the tearing.

Dean quivers and thinks he might have done that at some point. He remembers trying so hard to retain his humanity. He’d call for Sam over and over just because it had reminded him of who he was. After a while he couldn’t remember what he’d been trying so desperately to hold on to.

Sam comes outside and sits beside him, handing him a beer. Dean accepts the bottle and takes a swig, then feels like throwing up. In the middle of the pool the water stirs into a slow circle. Dean watches Sam’s fingers twitch minutely.

“Am I a demon?” Dean asks suddenly, his voice a whisper. He watches Sam’s expression war between surprise and sadness.

“Dean, no,” Sam says in a voice that he normally only uses on distressed victims. “No. I got you out before—”

“My eyes turn black. I can’t control myself sometimes. I was in hell—seemed like so long,” Dean says. He sets the bottle down beside him with a soft clink. “Hunters are hunting us.”

“Dean—”

“I’m like... Ruby.”

“Dean, stop. You’re not a demon.”

A breeze passes through, catching Sam’s hair. Dean watches it flutter in the wind. He doesn’t think he knows anything anymore. After a moment Sam sets his hand on Dean’s thigh and Dean eyes shift to Sam’s.

Sam leans in and kisses him. His fingers tilt Dean’s chin up as he presses his mouth against Dean’s, exploring softly. His tongue pokes forward, seeking entrance, and Dean parts his lips willingly, exhaling as Sam invades him, running his tongue pleasantly over the roof of his mouth. When Sam pulls back Dean is surprised to see Sam’s eyes are a little moist.

“What is it?” Dean asks.

“I’m sorry. It’s just—don’t freak out, okay?” Sam blinks at him. Dean has no clue what Sam is talking about until he looks into Sam’s eyes again.

They’re yellow.

Dean’s face crumbles and Sam reaches out and takes his hands. Dean wants to cry. It was for nothing, he thinks. Everything we’ve done was for nothing.

“It just happened,” Sam confesses softly. “After I started using my powers. After you... were gone. I didn’t know why. It’s not like I had anyone I could ask. I tried to summon Ruby but no one came and I was afraid of what Bobby might think.”

“You should have stopped then,” Dean says miserably. Sam shakes his head and Dean feels anger rousing deep inside him, but he pushes it down with some effort.

“I would have done anything to save you,” Sam says in a pained voice. “I’ve always had you and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t do anything.”

“Well, you definitely did something.”

“I’m sorry. I know you’re disappointed.”

“Understatement, Sam. I just wanted a better life for you, but now I’m a demon—”

“You’re not.”

“—and you’ve got demonic superpowers,” Dean finishes, ignoring Sam’s interruption. He takes a deep breath and pretends that his voice doesn’t break. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

Sam pauses, then speaks again. “I heard you.”

“What?”

“In hell. I could hear you sometimes.” Sam turns sad eyes towards him. “You always called for me. I couldn’t just sit and do nothing.”

Dean exhales softly, lifting his eyes to look over the sparkling water. “I didn’t want to forget you. I tried to remember everything, but after a while that was impossible. So I just focused on you.” Dean meets Sam’s gaze, his voice dropping to a whisper. “But that was hard, too. I think I lost you. I couldn’t remember anything about being human.”

“But you still remember now. You do,” Sam presses. “You’re not a demon, Dean. They tried to strip away your humanity, but this—” Sam laces his fingers through Dean’s. “This is proof that you’re still human. A demon wouldn’t care about his brother.”

“I don’t remember everything,” Dean says raggedly as Sam folds him into his arms. “Everything feels wrong sometimes.”

“I’ll fill in the gaps for you,” Sam assures him.

“A demon can’t stay good forever,” Dean insists, and Sam shakes his head, putting his hands firmly on Dean’s shoulders.

“Dean, the yellow-eyed-demon tried to turn me against everything that I knew was right. You fought and fought to keep me your little brother. And no matter what you think—no matter what color my eyes are—you succeeded. I’m here, not leading an army from hell. And I used my powers, yeah, and maybe they are demonic, but I used them for something good. For you.”

Dean closes his eyes and presses his face into Sam’s shoulder as Sam goes on.

“And now, I swear to God, Dean, I’m gonna do the same for you. You didn’t let me turn evil; I’m not gonna let you turn evil, no matter what. I don’t care what it takes. You gave up everything for me. You went to hell because of me. You saved me, Dean, and I promise you, I promise that I’ll never let anyone or anything convince you that you’re something evil. Because you’re not. You’re not a demon. You’re human, and so am I. You’re my brother. That’s it.”

“Sammy,” Dean says, feeling tears threatening his eyes. His throat closes up, which is just as well because he hasn’t really worked out what to say beyond that. Sam suddenly gives him a blinding grin and cradles his face in his giant hands.

“I know you said no chick-flick moments, so, sorry. But I love you.”

“Goddammit,” Dean says as tears fall involuntarily. “I do, too, Sammy. You know I do.”

Sam leans close, brushing his nose against Dean’s. They rest their foreheads together, inhaling each other’s warm breaths. Sam is still smiling as their mouths collide. Dean kisses back wildly, his fingers wrapping around Sam’s biceps, holding on like this is the last bit of humanity he has left.

Sam breath cascades over his face. “Dean. Do you think a demon would be able to feel like you do right now?”

Dean’s not sure. He has vague recollections of demons in his past that spoke of loyalty and love. When he doesn’t speak Sam kisses him again, his hands gliding down Dean’s chest and back up to his shoulders as he pushes his shirt off. Dean bites down on Sam’s lips and in a moment they’re both undressing, tossing their clothes aside as Sam slips into the pool and brings Dean down beside him.

“So what if we are,” Sam whispers after a while, rocking against Dean’s body as they kiss and touch. Dean is surprised by the simultaneous venom and sadness in his voice.

“What?”

“We’re all we have.” Sam brings a wet hand up to Dean’s face, dribbling water down his skin. “I don’t care what they think of us. I don’t care anymore. It was hard enough without you. I’m never giving you up again.” He touches Dean’s cheek, running a thumb over his freckles, suddenly uncertain. “You’d still love me, wouldn’t you?”

“Fuck, Sam.” Dean takes Sam’s hand and guides it lower, beneath the water. “Yes. Yes.”

Sam relaxes and brushes his lips again, gently pushing Dean to the edge of the pool. Dean’s already hungry and open as he puts his arms around Sam’s neck, his muscles tensing as Sam lifts Dean’s legs, wrapping them around his waist. Dean is kissing him when Sam presses in slowly, and Dean gasps and closes his eyes, still in doubt about himself but knowing one thing above all—he wants Sam with him.

They build up a rhythm and Dean leans back, bracing one wet hand on the slippery rim of the pool. Sam mouths at his throat, scraping his teeth along his jaw, and then comes inside Dean with a snarl, wrapping his fist around Dean and stripping him with hard, even strokes. Dean’s breathing takes on a higher, more frantic quality; his hand slips and Sam’s arms prove surprisingly strong as he holds him when Dean lets out a soft cry and trembles as he comes.

Dean’s legs feel weak as they slowly slip from Sam’s waist to touch the floor of the pool. Sam kisses Dean violently, running his hands through Dean’s hair and over his body until water drips into his eyes. It’s sloppy; there’s tongue and teeth and spit everywhere, racing hearts and short, hot breaths. Finally Dean stops and rests his forehead against Sam’s neck, panting, his fingers curling against the hard muscles of Sam’s stomach.

Dean can barely think, he’s so tired, but he brushes his mouth against Sam’s soft skin and can’t fathom how either of them could possibly be evil because they’re so good for each other. Everything feels right. Maybe he’s just accepted the wrongness that tugs at him from time to time.

“I got you,” Sam murmurs as Dean starts to climb out of the pool, and Sam hoists him up and whether it was Sam or Sam’s powers, he doesn’t care, because he has a towel wrapped around him and then Sam is smothering him with light kisses again, holding him close as they walk back to the house, leaving wet footprints behind them.

---